Calling Denied

Many people have real callings on their lives. To do something great - something grand. Fight evil and make a difference. But me, my calling is to live my life alone. In total singleness and fighting constant depression and anxiety.

I'm not okay with it. I didn't ask for this. God has yet to ask for my opinion. He's abandoning me. He lets my heart hurt and refuses to free me of my depression. I can't say or do anything to change this. We're taught one Sunday that we can't "do" anything to earn God's grace. Yet next Sunday we're taught that we aren't doing enough. You don't have this bc you don't do this.

Whatever. I didn't ask this for my life. I don't want it. Yet I'm not free to change my life. Can't magically make myself married. Can't magically remove the depression.

I need a hero, someone to rescue me, yet I'm not "allowed" to ask that of a human being. It's too much to want of someone. But when will I ever be enough for someone? When will someone need me to be in their life?